Tuesday, May 31, 2005

My Vegas Advice

Looks just like an angel, but angel's talking trash. You make conversation, but she's listenin' to your cash. The Full Bug - Van Halen

I haven't been to Vegas enough to offer much advice that hasn't already been given, especially by the Good Dr. Pauly. I can only offer some recommendations should you find yourself outside of the casinos and inside places where scantily clad damsels in distress are looking to be rescued by your cash.


When you first walk into such a place, you need to quickly find out what the appropriate behavior is, for both you and the entertainers. Obviously you're expected to find a seat - but what comes next varies from place to place. Some places will have a single stage - others may have several - and often times it's appropriate to visit the stage with small denomination bills. Usually, you'll be treated to 20-30 seconds of attention, at the end of which you'll make your donation. The entertainer will let you know where your donation is to go taking that decision away from you. Here's a warning: do not give money to dancers who you wouldn't want to receive a lap dance from later on in the visit. More often than not, your small token of appreciation is taken as an invitation for more attention. Some people are uncomfortable saying no, and if you're one of those people, sit tight until the right circumstance avails itself.


What separates the good from the bad is the talent. Wouldn't it be nice to enjoy what you're watching? Sadly, this is not always the case. Here in G-Vegas, it's not uncommon to see performers who are sadly out of shape, past their prime or both. I am not a believer in giving unwarranted positive feedback. I do not give sympathy dollars to anyone. At these clubs, it's survival of the hottest, and I don't want anyone there who can't cut it. Do you? I didn't think so. One caveat: Not everyone can be a 10. Often times the hottest ones give the crapiest dances, just because they can. When you scale down to the 8.5's and 8's, often times you can get more mileage out of your dollars. From my perspective, these are the best encounters - the talent who's willing to give that extra effort to make your experience enjoyable. Sometimes it's a crap shoot and you get substandard looks with substandard dances. That sucks. That's why I advocate a visit to the stage with a few bucks. You can sometimes extrapolate their efforts on stage to those off the stage. It's not an exact science, as such, repeat visits are often necessary.


How the talent first approaches you is also a very important consideration. Beware the come-from-behind technique. Why? The answer is simple. Often times, those who approach you in this manner have something to hide. They'll peak their potentially decent looking faces over your shoulder and immediately ask for a dance. Do not answer yet. You have two choices. First, turn around and survey the landscape. If it's rife with rolling hills, you can now avoid a potentially bad experience. The other choice requires a buddy. Beforehand, you'll need to have a signal that he can relay to you inconspicuously such that you know whether to accept the offer or not. There are those rare beauties who use this approach, and you'll be kicking yourself for turning down the opportunity. It's rare, but it does happen. A hand signal, even a rolling of the eyes is often times enough of a signal for how you should proceed.


If you end up agreeing to some further attention, you'll more than likely have several options available to you. Don't go crazy here. A standard dance is more than likely just as good as any so-called extra attention the higher priced options will yield. I've been to places where the $10 version was not noticeably different than it's $25 counterpart. Start off low and your wallet will thank you.


Few people do this, but it is fine for you to attempt to negotiate a better rate. My first salvo is to tell them it will only cost them $10 to dance for me because I like them so much. Sometimes I'll cut them a break and allow them to entertain me for free. Generally speaking, you can sometimes get an unadvertised two-for-one special simply by asking. More time for less money is win-win in my book.


This could be my biggest complaint about such clubs. If you're there dancing, and I'm there willing to pay, you better be in a good mood and enjoy your job while you're there. I can't tell you how many times I've been approached and an entertainer will begrudgingly ask me if I want a dance. With such piss poor enthusiasm evident, I'll say no every time. It's just not worth the money. I'm there for a suspension of my everyday realities, so don't bring your shitty attitude into my fun. No matter how hot you are, I don't want to hear about your boyfriend troubles, your money troubles, your legal issues or the fact that your kid is failing out of high school.


Drinks are obviously expensive on the inside. The smart partakers will imbibe elsewhere first, getting properly lubed up on the cheap. I've had warmup sessions at Hooters where a pitcher or two of beer is a good way to get things started.

Spending $$

This is a finer point of contention with many attendees. How much money should I spend? If you go with a group of people, sometimes one member of the group is going to have to take one for the team. If everyone at your table constantly refuses any dances, then eventually word will spread about how cheap you are and you'll get no further offers. You can't afford for this to happen. There's nothing worse seeing the hotties walk right by you. Don't even get me started on how embarrassing it is to get up from your chair and run down a target for a dance only to have her never show up to your table. It happens. You have to be prepared to spend at least a little, otherwise you really shouldn't go.

That's basically it in a nutshell. Have fun if you go.

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