The Zen of Poker dictates how best to respond after a bad beat. Calmness, evenness, remain focused, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah.
I say “Fuck it.”
Yesterday I let it out. Nobody was upstairs and after what seemed like the 80th consecutive 5 outer hit, I said a big hearty “Fuck you” to poker. Yeah that’s right, I reacted “wrong.” I correctly stopped playing, but I went on a rant. It was a Matusow-like rant, driven by the martyrdom of playing well but losing. Perhaps it’s a sign of insanity that I was talking to myself. But at least I listen.
Inside I’m battling a loss of confidence combined with not winning against a diminishing belief that I’m playing well. I suppose I should comfort myself that I’m not losing either. But when your bankroll is stagnant for a couple of weeks, it does make you question why you even play. I feel I can justify my time playing when I’m winning. But when I’m not winning, my justification loses some credibility.
I don’t even want my share of good luck. I want normal luck. I want expected value to mature into actual value. I want to neither deposit nor withdraw from the equity bank.
Statistically, the long-term in poker is measured in years. To lament a six-week aberration is foolish, but here I am doing it. And you all continue to listen, which frankly, must be getting tiring. Sorry.
Done. I promise.
****
So with that, on to more exciting things. The winner of Event #1 of the BBSOP is hosting a tournament up in Charlotte the weekend of February 24th. Fortuitously, In Flames is playing in Charlotte on the Friday before.
Just like Mr. Pibbs + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious, Poker + Metal = BadBlood Heaven. I told’ja that I’m crazy for that Swedish Melodic Death Metal cousin!
I’m trying to make arrangements to secure my attendance.
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