Things Not To Do

Back in June of '08, after the Steel Panther show, it was decided that it would be a fantastic idea to play poker in the Green Valley Ranch poker room. CJ and I sat at a 4/8 limit table and Otis and G-Rob got seats at the 1/2NL game. It was 1:30am and only a few tables were running. Three out of the four of us were pretty obliterated. Zero dollars to whomever can guess who wasn't.

Many of the players at the 4/8 table were the just the type of limit, grinder, nit, rock, old, grumpy, sour, angle-shooting, can't-beat-the-rake players you'd expect to see at a low stakes table in Vegas. I'm sure I pissed them off.

I was dealt pocket Aces three times in less than two orbits and announced to the table I had them each time. Nobody believed me. Even when I told them once that I flopped quad Jacks, I got paid off. My idiocy was running as high as my blood alcohol content.

Things only got worse, though.

I left the table after I mis-read my hand thinking I flopped a set of 6's when in reality I had 68o. I then took my drunken self to the 1/2 NL game, made really bad homo-erotic jokes and dropped two buy-ins. Then I played craps by myself, tried to catch a cab back to the strip by myself, but failed because I couldn't find my way out of the casino. Finally, I nearly passed out sweating G-Rob's cards at the 1/2 game begging everyone to leave before I died.

You'd think I would have learned my lesson.

****

December '08, I was at it again. This time, the cast of characters was different. StB and California April showed the highest level of intellect and grabbed a cab back to the strip. That left me, Dr.Jeff, Dr. Chako, TheTrooper, TheWife and PokerPeaker to head over to the poker room and spew some chips.

TheTrooper and PokerPeaker grabbed a 1/2NL seat while The Wife sat at 2/4 limit. Dr.Jeff, Dr. Chako and I wisely sat down at the 2/5NL game with only two other people. Awesome idea. Play short-handed 2/5NL with two friends and two locals. What could go wrong?

One of the locals was a older man in his 60's wearing a gray Members Only jacket. As drunk as I was, it was pretty easy to determine that he was the target at the table. I'd watch him fire 3-barrels each time he was open-raising regardless of his holdings. I just needed a hand to catch him. Obviously, Chako saw the same thing as he simply called every bet he made and took down a huge pot early when old-guy showed down Ace high.

Little did I know that the two Doc's were not just targetting the obvious.

****

Since it was short-handed, I opened up my starting card selection and raised from the button with QJo. Chako made a small-ish re-raise from the blinds and I elected to call. The flop came down KJx giving me middle pair, but certainly the flop hit his re-raising range a bit harder. He led the flop and I folded.

He showed the hammer. Nice. Ouch. But nice.

Later, Dr. Jeff made an opening raise and I looked down to find pocket Jacks. I re-raised and it was folded back to him.

"I have a strong hand," he assured me. "So do I," I replied.

Dr. Jeff offered to perhaps check it down. Being friends and not wanting to play a huge pot against him, I considered it. But as soon as I said, "Yeah, that's fine," Dr. Jeff went all-in.

Bastard.

I folded my hand face up and my starting stack of $500 was cut in half.

I guess we were going to play real poker against each other. I felt myself sobering up more quickly than I anticipated.

****

TheTrooper came by and began to sweat my cards. He had just performed a hit and run on the 1/2 table due to some asshat that pissed him off. I loved his response to the guy who had just doubled him up. "I'm hitting and running on you mainly because you're a douchebag."

Quick. Simple. To the point.

Once he sat down behind me, I was able to focus more and managed to win my way back up to about $650. It was at that point that Dr. Jeff's capability to play 2/5NL vanished. A few too many RedBullVodkas at the Steel Panther show finally caught up to him. The final straw was when he was bluffing the turn with a $100 bet and I insta-pushed. His stack of reds never made it to the pot, he just casually placed them in my stack and then folded his hand.

We all decided to go donk at 2/4 for a while before finally making our way back to the strip at 5am.

****

Obviously, as a person who shows little evidence of learning from his mistakes, the next time I'm at Steel Panther, you'll see me once again at the Green Valley Ranch poker room making stupid poker plays with other stupid poker people.

It doesn't get any more fun than that.