Thursday, March 26, 2009

Hello, It's Me

Well then.

I've not posted in quite some time. Being too lazy to look at my archives, this may be the longest post drought of my blogging "career." Things have changed for me in the past few weeks. We'll get into that in a moment.

First off, Mastadon weekend was everything it should have been. You may have seen me parading around in videos or pics; it was obvious I had a good time. To everyone that managed to be a part of it, no matter how small, thanks for making it as fun as it was. I'd do it again in a split second.

Not soon after that weekend, in fact the very next week, I received some less than flattering feedback concerning my performance at my job. It was rather harsh. The worst in about 15 years since I was but a young buck out of school. Was it fair? Well, that's not for me to say. Other co-workers who know the reality of it say it wasn't, but that is immaterial after the fact. Life isn't fair, I think we all know that.

If anything good was going to come of it, then it would have to be me to make it that way. I really took an honest look at myself and realized a very important fact about myself. I get frustrated at the drop of a hat and wear my frustration on my sleeve. It's as if I expect those around me to register my frustration and change their ways. That's downright stupid. In fact, it's a bit arrogant. And that's not the adjective I want associated with me, for when I see it in others, it's disgraceful.

There's no doubt I was frustrated at work. Several decisions made by others around me seemed obviously incorrect to me and my reaction was far from ideal. It's just not a good idea to show your "support" by reacting in a negative way. All that was brought home to me during my review, the severity of which really took me by surprise. It made me think real hard about myself and I came to a few conclusions that even have effected my home life.

Let me give you a little example.

MrsBlood and I were leaving for my son's gymnastics meet, an overnight stay down in Columbia. As it so happens quite frequently, just as we're pulling out of the driveway, MrsBlood asks me to stop the car because she's forgotten the directions. I obliged and she quickly returned to the car, saying "Thanks for not getting mad at me." I told her that my getting mad at her the previous ten times didn't prevent her from forgetting this time.

And that's really what it comes down to. Getting mad, getting frustrated - it doesn't help matters at all. It's counterproductive. But unfortunately for me, it's been my gut, initial reaction to so many things at work and at home that it's made me a worse person.

So for the past three weeks, I've tried to improve. It's amazing how many times per day I catch myself about to think or say something negative about something. I have no reason on this Earth to be negative. None whatsoever. Otis blogs about being a lucky guy to have the life he has and it's the same way for me. I love my wife (and she's getting hotter by the day), I love my kids (they're perfect to me), but it's been apparent that for a while I didn't feel the same about myself.

I can tie all this into poker somehow, because the above was basically a long description of me being on an ever-increasing amount of life-tilt for no real reason. It's taking effort to look at things constructively rather than destructively, but I believe I'm getting better at it. There's no doubt my poker results are correlating well with the change I've made. My only hopes is that I can continue to improve and make it a more permanent part of my behavior.

I may be beating myself up over something small and insignificant, but I really don't think I have anything to lose by trying to be a better person as a result, even if the impetus was unjust.

And with that, I'll be back to blogging.

10 comments:

DrChako said...

Welcome back.

-DrC

Riggstad said...

Honestly, this post made me reflect on recent behavior and I have realized that I have acted the same way.

Life pressure seems to make you forget, or not even see the reality of how you affect others.

I think I owe my wife and kids and apology.

I hate apologizing as well.

FU for making me realize that! Bastard!!!

Good post!

Seriously, it's almost hysterical that I read this and instantly realized that it has been an issue for me personally. And now I know.

Thanks!

OhCaptain said...

Good post! What Riggs said.

matt tag said...

I get like this as well. Once every 3-4 years my wife chews me out and tells me I have no reason to be such a pain in the ass. I mope around for another half day and then realize she's right, and snap out of it.

KenP said...

Welcome to the type A poker and life club.

I found it is easier to control with age. But, the fact that parts are going out of warranty counterbalances.

BamBam said...

WAIT A SECOND !!! You got mad at the ever adorable Mrs. Blood!!!

DO NOT MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE YOUNG MAN!!!

Great read my fellow BB.
NH... VGG.

OES said...

beautifully articulated sir. Keep it up, stud. =)

Drizztdj said...

I figure if I can get by the next three days with my niece and nephew visiting without bursting multiple veins and enjoy their company instead it would be a huge improvement over the past.

Good luck sir.

pokerpeaker said...

I struggle with this ALL the time, too, and went through much of the same self-reflection you went through recently. I'm still not perfect at all, but I have gotten a lot better because of the constant self examination. Keep after it. Funny, when I met you, I always thought you were a calm, funny person.

Keep after it, as will I.

I do wonder how many metal fans are Type A. I would have to guess 75 percent. The anger in the music is what we can relate to. It's also what helps us release it.

Nice post.

Ignatious said...

what everyone else/riggs said.

this post just caused me to make a date with the barber.