Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Progris Riport

There appears to be an ever-growing gap between comprehension and execution with respect to my poker game. I'm not sure what's causing it, perhaps frustration with results, perhaps frustrations with other things, I'm simply not sure. But what I do know is that understanding what to do and actually doing it have become two very different things.

On one hand, one might say to themselves that going through slumps is natural and expected for any poker player. On the other, one might wonder at what point a slump becomes characteristic of a slow, steady deterioration in your ability to play.

For the years 2004, 2005, and 2006 I was a winning player. And in each of those years, the win totals eclipsed the previous year's by at least a factor of two. Not so in 2007. Yes it's still early, but indications thus far would suggest that the previous pace of growth is coming to or has come to an abrupt end. In fact, I am a loser (both online and live) thus far in this calendar year.

What's tremendously disappointing is having made such progress only to find yourself right back where you started. Imagine going through a daunting weight-loss program and after months, even years of effort, finally hitting your target goals for weight and fat loss. Then, only a few weeks after that, you fall off the wagon, eat like shit and put all that weight back on. What then? Are you disciplined enough to realize that because you did it once that you can do it again? Or will you succumb to the realization that you are destined to forever be just what you are.

Even more disconcerting is that I feel this failure to progress is causing me to lose confidence in other aspects of my life. Whether it's at work as an employee and leader (scoff), or at home as a father and husband, the doubt has crept so far inward that I fall asleep at night with the last thoughts in my mind wondering what positive contributions I make to anyone.

I've always wanted to excel at something in life. Not just be above average, but excel. Lately, it's appearing that the game of poker is simply not that avenue. And it also appears that my drive towards that goal may be impacting my ability to enjoy myself otherwise.

The tried and true method of taking a break, coming back, and blah, blah, blah just sounds trite right now. I really don't want to take a break. What I really want to do is play well and win. Consistenly. Like I have before. I'm just not sure I know how to anymore.

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