Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Live Blogging Mania

8:15 – I get out of the car and make my way towards the building where I work.  The simple act of walking gets my insides propped and ready.

8:19 – The rumblings from last night’s protein shake make themselves known.  Vanilla protein powder + orange-flavored cilium = crazy delicious.

8:30 – With my morning bagel and hardboiled eggs in my system, I’m ready for the worst.

9:30 – I take my hand-held WSOP poker game with me to my “second” office.

9:31 – I scout the area for an open stall.  We have 5 to choose from, but the second one has a broken door that tends to open when others leave or enter the stalls next to it.  There’s nothing like an unexpected “hello” to tighten up the sphincter beyond the point of no return.  Can’t lose that window of opportunity.

9:32 – I choose stall #4.  It’s roomy.  I furiously wipe down the seat with some balled up toilet paper.  For whatever reason, the thought of my butt cheeks sitting down where another co-worker’s ass has been kinda skeeves me out.  (Why does MS-Word not recognize skeeve?)

9:33 – I fire up the hand-held poker game and ponder life.

9:37 – The stalls around me slowly become occupied.  I can’t avert my gaze and see random people’s shoes and bunched up pants rolled down to their ankles.  It ain’t pretty, but then again, neither is the task at hand.

9:40 – I get rivered in the damn hand-held game by a two outer.  Electronic poker is rigged!  I’m on dump-tilt.

9:41 – Recent eliminations:
  • Yesterday’s salad I had at lunch.

  • Last night’s chicken dinner.

  • Pretty sure I had corn.  Yes I had corn.

9:45 – Last five co-workers I took a crap next to:
  1. Guy who obviously had Mexican the day before.

  2. Another guy playing some game on his cell phone.

  3. The grunter.

  4. Some crazy dude who talks to himself in whispers.  I look to see if I can see his badge so I know who to avoid when he inevitably goes postal.

  5. Stage fright man.  He’s actually just peeing in the stall to avoid using the urinals.

9:50 – Cleanup, flush, and run.

9:51 – I use about twelve dabs of soap and scrub my hands like I’m in ER prep.

Live blogging is hard.  So is live logging.

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