Thursday, August 02, 2007


Deep in the bowels of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry...

"Good morning class," Professor Snape mumbled, obviously pained to use such a cheery expression towards his otherwise dimwitted pupils. "Today in the Defense Against the Dark Arts class, we will be discussing this."

With a flick of his wand, a small, shiny obsidian box appeared before the class, levitating in front of them aglow with swirls of greenish, eldritch flame. Engraved on the box was a large letter "P" in old English script.

"Can anyone tell me what this is?"

Hermione Granger's hand shot up in an instant, but like he so often did, Snape waited longer to see if any other student could muster up a guess. Finally in one of Snape's more exasperated tones, he responded, "Yes, Ms. Granger?"

Proudly, Hermione stated, "It's the Pokerstars Random Number Generator."

"Yes, you are quite right. Ten points for Gryffindor if you can describe what it does," Snape continued.

Without pause, Hermione continued, "It's responsible for creating a random shuffle for a 52-card deck in the game Muggles call 'poker,' variations of which include the popular Texas Hold 'em."

"Excellent, 10 points for you and your House. You will need them later," he smirked.

"Would anyone like to try their hand at poker?" Snape asked.

One hand in the back of the classroom went up and as Snape pointed to him he said, "Yes, you. Are you a new student? You appear to be much too old to be a student at Hogwarts. What is your name?"


"Heh, sounds like MudBlood," Draco Malfoy scoffed. His Slytherin companions Crabbe and Goyle chuckled loudly. Hermione Granger shot them an evil look and their smiles diminished, but didn't disappear completely.

"Well then Mr. Blood, welcome to class. You will be wagering Gryffindor points in this next hand of Texas Hold 'em. Are you ready?"

"Sure," BadBlood responded.

"Well then, have at it."

The Pokerstars RNG began to slowly rotate. As it did, it spit out two cards towards Professor Snape and two cards to BadBlood in clockwise fashion. BadBlood looked down at what the RNG had to offer. A King and a ten. Since he would be making decisions after Snape made his, BadBlood felt compelled to bet.

"I wager 10 Gryffindor points," he said.

"Fine bet, I will call."

A card was then emitted from the obsidian box and then it erupted into flames. "Ah yes, the BURN. I love that part of the game," Snape smiled. Then three more cards flew from the smooth box and hovered in the air before the class room.

"Accio Nuts!" BadBlood spoke and waved his wand just before the three cards were flipped. They came Ace, Queen, Jack. He had flopped a broadway straight as they say in the Muggle world.

"I will check to you," Snape said calmly and BadBlood responded, "I wager 50 Gryffindor points."

"Another fine bet, I again will call."

The burn card came out again, erupting this time with unanticipated sparks and dazzlers. Snape threw an evil glance towards the now giggling Weasley twins who upon noticing Snape's glare immediately sat back up straight in their chairs.

The 4th community card came and it was the 8 of clubs, putting a second club on the board.

"Check," Snape flatly declared and still confident with his pre-flop incantation, BadBlood said aloud, "I wager 100 Gyrffindor points."

"Getting awfully confident, aren't we Mr. Blood? I call once more."

Finally the last card came out and it was yet another Queen, this too of clubs. BadBlood's heart sank a little bit, but he thought perhaps his hand was still good. He would no longer be betting Gryffindor points with the Nuts. His spell, while working perfectly on the flop, no longer held true.

"I wager two-thousand Slytherin points," Snape bellowed, becoming more animated and approaching BadBlood at the back of the room.

"What are you going to do now, Mr. Blood? Your hand is no longer the nuts, your pre-flop spell was worthless. Well? What are you going to do?"

"Expelleramus!" BadBlood shouted.

However, there was no immediate reaction from Snape.

Slowly, though, he began to smile. "Expelleramus? Do you expect me to muck my cards BadBlood? Do you expect me to let you win this hand on a technicality? You aren't playing with Muggles boy." Now, laughing quite hard, Snape said, "You must call or fold, your house is depending on you."

With a disheartened look, BadBlood waved his wand and his two cards vanished from in front of him, into the magical muck they went.

"Yes, I thought so. That was of course the proper fold, however you did lose 160 house points to Slytherin. So class, what did we learn today?"

"That you're a calling station?" quipped Ronald Weasley.

"Mr. Weasley, you've just cost your house twenty-five more points. Do you have anything more constructive to add?" Shaking his head, Ron looked sheepishly back down at his open "Dumbledore on Hold'em" book.

"Nobody? Well let me spell it out for you all then. Beware this poker game students! Give it your greatest respect. For among all the Dark Magic objects in existence today, none are completely defenseless. Except for this one!" Snape pointed to the black box Pokerstars RNG.

"If you remember anything from this class all year, remember this: There is no defense against the suckout."

1 comment:

Unknown said...

I'm shocked this never got a comment.

Very well written. Love the Potter references.

-JP in Philly